“Oh father, it’s beautiful!” She exclaimed as she fastened the necklace around her neck. Her father smiled warmly at her just as her brother Hero burst through the door. “Look what I got for the birthday girl!” He exclaimed, holding up a small cloth bag.
Allana smiled as Hero dumped the contents of the bag into her hand. She carefully examined the small rock.
“A rock?” She asked glumly? “No! well, it is a rock, but not just any rock! It’s a sunstone!” Her blank stare made him continue. “Now that you’ve touched it, all you have to do is hold it in your hand and it will glow!” Allana stared at the rock suspiciously. “Glow? Are you sure?” Hero opened his mouth to argue with her when the village bell began to sound. They all turned toward the sound.
“Hero, take Allana to the cave! “ Her father exclaimed, grabbing a pitchfork. He noticed Allana’s worried face. “Don’t worry, it’s probably that pack of wolves that came by a few months back.” She nodded as Hero guided her outside and over the hillside.
3 comments:
Still liking it, but you really need to write more - you keep leaving me hanging! :)
How in the world did I miss this?! I just came across your old Facebook link today. Great beginning, it immediately pulls you in and makes you want to keep reading. I only have one suggestion so far: In the first paragraph of your first post, it feels a little awkward repeating "bag of food" so close together. Maybe you could say "bag of food" the first time and then change it to "parcel" or something like that. What kind of a bag was it, a leather pouch? A plastic grocery sack? Specifics really help paint the picture for readers. Or, you could specify what the food was..."hefting the small bag against her shoulder once more and struggling to keep the potatoes from spilling onto the ground as she did so, she headed..." Just some small change to make it less repetitive between the two. I definitely sense a grand adventure coming on, and I don't think those are going to be wolves. :) All-in-all very good, I can't wait to read more! :) (and just say the word if you want only moral support here and no suggestions and I'll keep my mouth shut, lol) ;)
Don't worry Suzanne!!! Your good!!!
I haven't edited anything yet and won't until I have some more written. So what I've already written is like 3 drafts away from being up to par. All comments and critics are welcome here!!!!
Post a Comment